Ron Ogulnick forwarded this to me, and it’s my privilege to share it with you.
Todd Torvinen, Sy and Lenette’s close friend and estate attorney, produced this last week when he was missing Sy.
Sy Ogulnick’s Principles for Human Relationship In memory and living practice.
Drawn from his books, conversations, experience, and love.
Vulnerability Is Strength
True connection begins when the armor drops. In any relationship— romantic, familial, or professional—if one or both parties hide behind certainty, roles, or fear, intimacy cannot grow.
“Nakedness is not about the body—it’s about truth. Most people are terrified of it.” —Sy
Dialogue Over Agreement
We do not need to agree to love each other. We need to listen, stay in the room, and hold tension without forcing resolution through genuine dialogue.
> agreement is the goal, there is no conversation—just manipulation.”
Power Must Serve Relationship, Not Replace It
Whether as a parent, spouse, or friend, the misuse of power—emotional, spiritual, or financial—will fracture trust.
“If your authority silences the other, it’s not leadership. It’s fear dressed as control.”
Be Willing to Be Led
Leadership in relationship is not a static role. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone else take the lead, and receive.
“The best leaders step back when needed. So do the best partners.”
Old Patterns Are Not Identity
We are all born into a story. But staying inside a dysfunctional one is a choice. Your family of origin may explain your fear—but it doesn’t excuse your refusal to evolve.
“Most people know what they need to do. They’re just afraid it will cost them the love they learned to Settle for.”
Love Without Performance
Performative affection—saying the right words, doing the right gestures— means little if your heart is behind glass. Real love includes presence, admission of failure, and the courage to repair.
“Say ‘l was wrong.’ Say ‘I’m scared.’ That’s love’s native language.”
Let Go of the Illusion of Control
Trying to control another person—through silence, pressure, or perfection—kills what you claim to cherish. Let go. Stay open. Trust the flow.
“You can’t love and control someone at the same time.”
Show Up Every Day, Fresh and Curious
Don’t live your relationship by yesterday’s pain or tomorrow’s fear. Show up today, and be curious again.
“Most people think they know their partner. What they really know is a story they stopped revising.”
Don’t Abandon the Room
Whether physically or emotionally, walking out of difficult moments kills connection. Stay in the room. Even if you’re silent, stay.
> “The act of staying—even without the right words—is a greater gift than any apology after retreat.”
Be Someone Worth Loving
At the end of the day, Sy believed love was earned—not through performance, but through character. Are you kind? Are you honest? Do you grow? That’s what makes someone worth loving.
“You can’t demand love. You become someone who inspires it.”
Postscript
“Every meaningful relationship is a dance between truth and tenderness. The ones that last are built by people willing to feel both.” — Sy Ogulnick