Sy’s Reflections

Ron Ogulnick forwarded this to me, and it’s my privilege to share it with you.

Todd Torvinen, Sy and Lenette’s close friend and estate attorney, produced this last week when he was missing Sy.

Sy Ogulnick’s Principles for Human Relationship In memory and living practice.

Drawn from his books, conversations, experience, and love.

Vulnerability Is Strength

True connection begins when the armor drops. In any relationship— romantic, familial, or professional—if one or both parties hide behind certainty, roles, or fear, intimacy cannot grow.

 “Nakedness is not about the body—it’s about truth. Most people are terrified of it.” —Sy

Dialogue Over Agreement

We do not need to agree to love each other. We need to listen, stay in the room, and hold tension without forcing resolution through genuine dialogue.

>   agreement is the goal, there is no conversation—just manipulation.”

Power Must Serve Relationship, Not Replace It

Whether as a parent, spouse, or friend, the misuse of power—emotional, spiritual, or financial—will fracture trust.

 “If your authority silences the other, it’s not leadership. It’s fear dressed as control.”

Be Willing to Be Led

Leadership in relationship is not a static role. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone else take the lead, and receive.

 “The best leaders step back when needed. So do the best partners.”

Old Patterns Are Not Identity

We are all born into a story. But staying inside a dysfunctional one is a choice. Your family of origin may explain your fear—but it doesn’t excuse your refusal to evolve.

 “Most people know what they need to do. They’re just afraid it will cost them the love they learned to Settle for.”

Love Without Performance

Performative affection—saying the right words, doing the right gestures— means little if your heart is behind glass. Real love includes presence, admission of failure, and the courage to repair.

 “Say ‘l was wrong.’ Say ‘I’m scared.’ That’s love’s native language.”

Let Go of the Illusion of Control

Trying to control another person—through silence, pressure, or perfection—kills what you claim to cherish. Let go. Stay open. Trust the flow.

 “You can’t love and control someone at the same time.”

Show Up Every Day, Fresh and Curious

Don’t live your relationship by yesterday’s pain or tomorrow’s fear. Show up today, and be curious again.

 “Most people think they know their partner. What they really know is a story they stopped revising.”

Don’t Abandon the Room

Whether physically or emotionally, walking out of difficult moments kills connection. Stay in the room. Even if you’re silent, stay.

> “The act of staying—even without the right words—is a greater gift than any apology after retreat.”

Be Someone Worth Loving

At the end of the day, Sy believed love was earned—not through performance, but through character. Are you kind? Are you honest? Do you grow? That’s what makes someone worth loving.

 “You can’t demand love. You become someone who inspires it.”

Postscript

“Every meaningful relationship is a dance between truth and tenderness. The ones that last are built by people willing to feel both.” — Sy Ogulnick

A Memorium from Mark Shaff

A LIFE WELL LIVED

Lenette and Sy are extraordinary communicators. I say they are because they are still communicating with us. Each had their way of communicating: Lenette was direct, Sy philosophical. Lenette didn’t beat around the bush, and let’s face it, Sy was the bush.  We all know Sy’s love of the written word, and he was quite good at it.  One of his favorite ways of communicating in writing was the Haiku. 3 short lines, 1st line 5 syllables, 2nd line 7 syllables, 3rd line 5 syllables. Seventeen syllables, to say something meaningful, express an important thought or idea. It is not an easy task.  The lines don’t rhyme, so the rhythm is what is called “cutting word.” The intent is for the cadence to be jarring and abrupt. The purpose is to force the reader to think and reason out the meaning.  It is perhaps the most difficult form of poetry. So, it got me to consider, as an homage to Sy: Is it possible to describe the scope and breadth of lives that spanned nine decades and, in the case of Sy, nearly a century in one word, and more than that, could it be done with a one syllable word? 

Regarding most of us, I think the answer is NO. This is not because describing a person’s life in a one-syllable word is simple, but because describing anything in one word, let alone a one-syllable word, is very difficult and complex.  But when it comes to Lenette and Sy, it can be done. And that word is DO. Think about it! We are all here at this memorial because of DO. Those of you who attended Purple Sage, and more importantly, those who spent weeks, summer after summer, at Camp Shasta, in a nutshell, learned DO and were taught DO.  And what better setting to teach something that can only be taught by example than a camp? The same is true for those of you who Sy helped professionally. He came into your business and lives and SHOWED you how to be a better communicator, a better listener, a better human.  And as a team, it was Lenette who SHOWED Sy how to DO. And Sy took to showing DO, like a duck to water. DO is both individual and communal at the same time. DO is about helping and being helped. DO is a choice.

I am sure that Carol, I, our sons Lucas and Colton, and my entire family came into the lives of Lenette and Sy because of DO. I didn’t know it then, and I’m sure Sy didn’t either, but I’m pretty sure Lenette did. 

As it turns out, DO is the answer to everything.

It is the answer to success.

It is the answer to pulling yourself out of failure and despair. 

It is the answer to love, to happiness, to friendship. 

In fact, DO is the secret to LIFE!

And why is DO all of this? Because the opposite of DO is NOTHING. 

If Lenette and Sy could only leave us with one short message, it would be DO. DO every day of your life. DO until you can DO no more, and then find someone to help you DO. And that is precisely what Lenette and Sy did… they showed each of us what DO is…what DO is supposed to look like in the beginning, in the middle, and most notably at the end…they each chose the time when they could no longer DO…and that is the very definition of a life well lived.   

Mark Shaff

Sy’s Final Paper

I knew it was coming, and finally, it’s happened. My eyesight has failed to the extent that I can no longer sit at the computer and write. I now find myself in the position that all good leaders one day find themselves. I wanted to write one final paper, so I asked a good friend to help. The decision to move into the final phase of hospice was mine, and mine alone. I miss Lenette so much. I have spent time expressing my thoughts on aging, and to say that it has been a challenge would be a tremendous understatement. As long as I could write and my mind worked, I could fill enough of my day to manage my loneliness. Of course, my friends who always come to visit have helped. But now, I have come to the end of my road. And that is okay. 

I have spent a lifetime working as a leader, teaching, lecturing, and writing about leadership, yet I wonder if I ever wrote about the most important act any good leader can and must do. They must recognize and acknowledge when they can no longer lead and, in fact, must be led. Still, this is only the first part of a leader’s last act. The second part is to find someone who can be the leader’s leader. Whether by design, providence, or perhaps dumb luck, I have done this, and I am so grateful. Perhaps Lenette had a hand in this. Her talent for planning, in the short and long term, has never ceased to amaze me. No doubt she was the caboose that pushed our train down the tracks. 

I can honestly say that I have accomplished all I set out to do in this life and then some. I know that Lenette and I have left our prints on our world and that what was most important to us will live on.  I am ready to be reunited with the love of my life. Thanks to all of you who have been there.

Until we meet again.

Sy

The Future of the Blog

With great sadness, I regret to inform you that Sy Ogulnick peacefully left this world on the morning of May 3rd.

He felt strongly that his words were a large part of his legacy, as was his desire to share them. In accordance with his wishes, the blog will remain online for the foreseeable future in hopes that those following Sy’s essays will comment and contribute their own thoughts on the subjects he considered important.

While Sy will be sorely missed, the blog will preserve his presence so his observations on power, leadership, relationships, and aging will continue to inspire and inform.

Sincerely,

Steve Zuckerman, site administrator.

Where I’m At

My eyes are going. My hearing is going, yet my mind is fine. I feel trapped; still, how long I will live is one of the questions to which there are no answers. Macular degeneration has only one outcome, so another unknown is how soon I will be completely blind. Thankfully, hearing is less of a problem since my hearing aids help.

When people say that aging is a blessing, I must strongly disagree. That, and similar sentiments, are expressed by those who haven’t reached their eighties.  As I approach 98, I will continue to live as long as my mind is what it is and my remarkable friends stay with me and care for me as they do. I will not let any of them down. 

On the positive side, going to bed is still a wonderful experience, and I sleep well. My food intake is down but adequate, and all else is functioning normally. 

I feel good about all that is taking place around me. I write, do poetry, and write haikus each day. While that makes the day for me, I thrive with my visitors.

I might be getting a bigger screen for my writing. I hope it will make a difference.  I can also get a microphone and speak instead of typing. I spent my working life talking and teaching, not writing so that accommodation would take me back to my old and natural ways.  My love to you all.

Right now, I am here—and I will stay for a while—until I am not

What Your Visits Mean To Me

Today, Ron and his son flew in for a few hours to visit me. Mark was here in the morning, and Steve came by in the afternoon, as did Ian. What does this mean to me?

I see and feel it as an act of love. I do not take any visit for granted. I see them as invaluable gifts to me, ones I so appreciate.

Being alone is not my cup of tea. I can’t read, the TV does not work for me, and the computer (my creative tool) has its limits, but I fill the afternoon using it to create.

So, if you can, come on over and spend some time with me. We have stories to share, and I promise to be a good listener. I have been told that is one of my better qualities and an essential part of what I have taught many over the years.

It is interesting that not hearing well forces me to concentrate more than ever on the person I am with. Since I love being with the company, that is a plus.

Thanks for listening to me.

A visit means lots—Easy to understand why—Thanks for sharing time

Where I’m At

While I have no desire to speak for others about their experiences with aging, I can only tell you what I am undergoing.

I am 97, which means I am seriously old. Only a few reach this age, so allow me to share some of what life is like for me. Every night, I go to bed early, usually around 7 PM.  Due to macular degeneration, I can’t see, nor can I hear, likely a result of my being in the military, but otherwise, I am fine. 

Yet my mind is perfectly sound. I am amazed at my recall and ability to write poetry, haiku, and essays.  In particular, the essays regarding power and relationships.

After 97 years, I know how and why relationships and power can fail and how and why they can succeed. Both are at the root of the human psyche and the making of family. 

I also know that we have the capacity to grow and to change our behavior. I know this to be a reality, and the work I have done for almost 80 years is my proof. 

At the risk of repeating myself, allow me to restate the overarching problem as I see it.  If people seek agreement instead of discussion, the conversation is fated to fail. If agreement is necessary for either party, the entire point of dialogue is moot.

People must be able to share their feelings and be heard without demanding agreement; otherwise, authentic communication is impossible.  

The rule is simple. Agreement must be set aside to allow for honest dialogue. After all, what game does not have rules that must be followed? 

Thoughts on Power

Negative power is the Power that damages all relationships, including those at home, school, or work.

Regardless of location, where power is used badly, it does significant harm. Destructive power always begins as a hierarchy where someone sits at the top of the pyramid, and only a single chair exists.

That chair at the top might be for a father or a mother, or it could be a teacher, an immediate boss, and all the bosses above.

Power can be found almost everywhere.

It might be gross or subtle. Ideally, the job of the one in power should be to “empower” others lower in the hierarchy. Ignoring this obligation will make matters worse. Subordinates know what they experience, hear, see, and feel. To empower is to give and grow the other.  So, if you can do so, be a good farmer.

To empower, my job—what other way is there for me—And that, to build you

Another Book on the Way

My 4th book is being edited and will be on Amazon soon. 

So, what will this version of Sy be? It will explore the “Leader of Leaders,” power, the leader as an employee (most leaders are), relationships, dialogue, and The Inner Circle. Also, since I enjoy poetry and the Haiku form, I hope to have a poetry/haiku book edited and published soon. I have fun playing with words and thoughts, which is what poetry and haiku are to me… Fun!

I invite you to feel free and join me in what I write. If you want my thoughts on a given subject, please reach out to inform me. Maybe I will have something to say, or maybe not, but I will write if I feel I am able.

I have no idea where this journey leads until I sit at the computer and begin to type. It is my style. Words lead to more words and thoughts to more thoughts.

Being productive—Is what I must be, just me—I am what you see