Month: December 2023

Last night, while fully awake, Lenette visited me, and we had a long talk. To begin with, I never saw her, yet I heard her without actually hearing her voice. How can this be?

We spoke for a long time, and what follows is as strange to me as it will be to you. I must add that I was fully awake during our conversation. 

I asked how she was doing and where she is now. She told me she is happy and with her friends and family and that the place she lives in is beautiful and all about love. There is no anger, bitterness, bigotry. Nothing like the world we live in. 

Lenette also made it clear that she wants me to be okay and happy. That I should not cry and feel sad for her. She wants me to accept that she lives in a state of love and caring and is surrounded by happiness.

This conversation with her left me feeling the best I have felt since her passing. I felt love, joy, and her presence.

I share this, knowing that hearing Lenette without hearing or seeing her is crazy. How do I even write this? I don’t know, but it was and is my experience.  And I feel the best I have felt about her in a long time.

–oo0oo–

Lenette visited me last night, and we talked.

It was so easy and natural as if in a garden we walked.

But strange as it is I did not see her or hear her voice.

Yet, I heard her speaking to me, so I made a choice.

She was talking to me but I did not hear her speak or see her.

How is this possible to be?

Still, I accepted this as a gift to me.

So, I asked many questions, and answers I got.

I heard answers, but her voice, strange as it seems, was not. How can this be? Maybe tonight I’ll see.  

Lenette, Jeff, and I went to Palm Springs for a week. We left the dogs at home with friends and stayed at an Inn, now long gone, that we had enjoyed before. We had the best time there. We swam and played in the pool daily, walked and biked everywhere, and ate great food at uncrowded restaurants.

At that time, Palm Springs was a small town visited mostly by Hollywood people, some of whom we recognized at the Inn where we stayed.

I cherish this memory because the three of us had such a wonderful “family” time together. Jeff, no longer a visitor or guest of ours, was becoming our son and, along with us, enjoying the changes taking place.

During our brief vacation in Palm Springs, we talked and listened to each other. We got to know each other as we spent the day together and even made our dinner plans together. That short week helped bring us together, and we became a family.  

I want to know you. Do you want to know me, too? Let us talk, listen.

Jeff and I spoke the other day, and he wanted me to tell the story of a Ski trip we took as a family.

In our Chevy Carry-All, we packed up and headed north for a ski trip where the snow beckoned—in Colorado, Utah, and Idaho. Naturally, Heidi and Brutus came along since they traveled with us everywhere we went. 

What happened in Aspen, Col was entirely unexpected. Typically, traveling as we do, we stay in small motels. They were cheap and clean, and we always snuck the dogs in through a side window. 

Brutus and Heidi were trained not to bark when in a strange place. Heidi came into heat in Aspen, so we had to place her in a kennel. The kennel owner loved and treated her like his pet, so she ran free in the kennel and got pregnant. We did not find out until well after we got home. 

While we skied Aspen, Jeff, and I came down the mountain. Lenette and Brutus were waiting for us, but when we skied to them, Brutus was unable to move as he was frozen to the turf.  The fur on his rear end came off when we pulled him away. Poor little guy!

Sun Valley was next, and although we all stayed in one little room, the dogs included, we had a wonderful time. And the same in Utah.  It did not matter where we went; we traveled as a family. We were and are family. 

–oo0oo–

Yesterday was difficult For Jeff and me.

We spoke and cried over what we felt and see.

What we see, feel, and know is you are not with us anymore.

You are gone, and our hearts are broken as never before.

You were so special to both of us while alive.

How do we go on, how do we thrive?

We will, and we know you want us to continue to be.

Until we are together and each other we see.

Time might heal the pain we both feel. Maybe yes and maybe no, your loss to us so real.

–oo0oo–

I feel so close to Lenette this day. 

It is also true I miss her every moment in every way.

I feel her presence and that she watches over me. 

I wish for more than presence but that cannot be.

I want to be with her, is there more I can say?

But she wants me to live, to contribute each day.

It is what we both have done, and each in our own way.

I miss and love her and for me it is bad.Since I can do nothing more than wait, I am sad.   

We had a neighbor who lived in Alaska and was full of information, including that we should travel with a 12-gauge shotgun loaded for Grizzlies. So, I bought one and various loads, from pellets to solid slugs. And for added protection, we took Bear, our big mountain Pyrenees. 

We traveled the Inland Canadian Highway on our camping adventure. We had a two-person tent, heavy sleeping bags, and cooking gear. It was the beginning of September, and we figured we had two months to wander wherever the roads took us.

Denali was a must-see, so we headed in that direction. Although we thought people camped in Alaska, we discovered this wasn’t really the case. While we camped in our tent, most others stayed in their motor homes. 

We thought that at night, while we stayed in our tent, Bear would sleep outside to warn us if bears came around. As it turned out, Bear refused to sleep outside the tent. He slept between the two of us and snored. But that’s camping! I must add that we also slept with a loaded shotgun. 

Because we needed to see more than the two-lane road before us, we made it a point to take hikes in the forest. Of course, I thought Bear would go off alone to explore the wilderness, but he never left our side. In fact, he stayed so close that he pushed against us. He knew I would protect him, and he was right. 

In Denali, they have a bus that takes the public to the highest point on the mountain. No dogs were allowed, so we tied Bear to our tent and enjoyed a wonderful trip up the mountain. We saw Grizzlies roaming everywhere. At the time, we didn’t know that a family of Grizzlies had walked through our campground and visited Bear. Apparently, they got along just fine.

When we headed North on a lonely road, it began to snow, and the temperature dropped into the teens. As it was too cold to camp, we looked for a place to stay and found the only Inn on that road. It had a hot tub where we spent lots of time drinking wine. It was fantastic for us and also for Bear, who got to stay inside in our room out of the weather.

Afterward, we headed South, eventually boarding a ferry to Seattle and heading home. Those were eight unforgettable weeks.

In conversation with Steve Z, he wondered whether another book was the best way to promote my writing. He says my stories about Lenette and me are very personal, so only those who know us both would have an interest. I wonder if this is so, hence this essay.

I hope my writing conveys a philosophy. A way of living with others, and lessons that might influence and teach. These are the same pragmatic ideas I brought to leaders and their organizations.

I taught them ways of leadership, dialogue, and the concept that relationships needed to be as equal as possible. These offered value to those in the workplace, allowing people to find safety, regard, and respect in their work relationships.

Throughout my stories is my philosophy about what environments and relationships should be. This brings me to the point:  Are my writings more about Lenette and me than about that which we taught? We did not knowingly choose to be “role models,” but we were and are.

Your feedback on whether a book or the blog is more appropriate for my essays will help us decide.   Sy