August 2022 – Leadership Blog

How to Communicate With the Aging

MY REALITY OF AGING:
It’s not easy. As usual, I offer the following as my opinion and not a fact. So what I share is based on my observations over these last 3 years.

For most people, and maybe for all people, aging is a process where it becomes apparent to those in this group that they are not the person they were. Not long ago, most were caregivers. They earned a living and/or cared for their family. What matters is that they were or felt productive and with purpose. They were needed—not in need.

As this disappears, and it does, what is left and felt may include anger, sadness, emptiness, and maybe for a few, a sense of relief that their daily battle to survive is over. In any case, we are not who and what we were, and suddenly (or not so suddenly), our role and way of living are no more. I skied, I biked, I hiked, I worked (which I loved), and we traveled. And how wonderful it all was, from what was a “cakewalk” to what was a battle to survive. All of it was a gift, and we flourished.

I am so lucky and surprised that my mind is as clear as it is. I still find writing a one-page paper on a wide variety of subjects fun and challenging. I love Lenette and others suggesting subjects to write about. Maybe I can, and maybe I can’t… So what?

So, the point of this paper is not to be dismissed. Getting old is closing one’s life, the last chapter of an extraordinary book, in fact, one of a kind. When people have lived full and challenging lives, seeing, feeling, and intellectually knowing, they are fully aware that “the fat lady is close to finishing her song.”
The candle still burns; for how long is not in our hands, but I, for one, hope it’s a long-lasting wick.

We are born and live—What comes our way we can’t know—It is our life lived.

Leadership #6

Is Leadership Essential?

I hope I made my point in the previous 5 papers that Leadership, without question, is an essential condition of life and that even a small group of people will not long survive without someone leading them. So, Leaders are found everywhere and in every kind of group, big and small. My own research has shown me that really “good” leaders are a rare breed. But most leaders have it in them, if they choose, to become “good” leaders. It comes down to becoming and being VULNERABLE with those they live and work with. Clearly, NOT EASY.

Certain indicators helped me to know whether “change” can happen with the leaders I worked with. Remember, this is my discovery and not something I read in one of my psychology or philosophy books. Quickly revisiting, when I worked with a leader’s staff, I began to sense that they were not the “real” problem but that the root cause was the leader. In subtle or obvious ways, the leader is the “problem to the answer.” What an “ah-ha” moment—since I had been a leader for 27 plus years and never thought of myself as a problem to my employees. Was I???

Leaders send all types of messages. Not being present, not listening, and therefore not understanding, as well as other indicators like a sneer or roaming eyes that tell staff they are wasting time trying to communicate with their leader. How does it feel being related to in this manner? Also, is there a payback? Bet on it!

I immediately went back to reading anything and everything about leadership, which led me to Power, Control, and why Nations, Businesses, and just two in relationship collapse. I had to find a way of working with a leader that had the courage to grow and to grow others. And I did. I genuinely do care for those I worked with for what they gave back to me. My own growth.

Leadership #5

In 1975 I was asked to speak to a group of professionals about staff problems. Because of my talk and an hour plus of questions, people asked if I would visit their office and work with their staff. The idea of traveling to all parts of the country and spending a day in a workshop on relationships and communication interested me. Having spent the previous 27 years working with children, training many employees, and having an excellent reputation for our work, I believed I was qualified to help them with their staff issues. It is what I did, so why not do it for them and be paid?

It began this way and went reasonably well until I realized nothing changed from workshop to workshop. Why? Was it me, my approach, or the material I shared with them? I searched hard and had an inkling that it wasn’t me or what we talked about. It was then that the idea hit me that it might be because the leader was more a witness to what I did and not a participant. Remember, I have been a leader for 27 years and know that I never thought of myself as a leader or what power I had to influence my staff. I was their boss, to be sure, but not in power over them. I always saw my job as a provider and nurturer of my staff, but being or using power in any negative way? Never! At least, I thought so.

The point is that we are not as aware of ourselves and how we come across to others as we believe we do or are. Others, certainly those close to us, see and hear us even if they may not understand us. We have no mirror that shows ourselves to ourselves, so we “think” we know but do not, and others think they do and may not. In either case, actual knowledge of selves requires a vulnerability that makes the difference in every meaningful relationship.

Who I am is not—I only think I know me—You may know my “me?”
Sy

Leadership #4

What makes leadership work is trust, trust, and more trust. So, how do you go about nurturing trust between you and those important to you? This is old stuff to my readers, but old or new, it is the most important stuff that must exist between you and those close to you. Also extremely important, “trust “is not a two-way street until it becomes a well-established one-way street. In other words, it begins with the leader trusting and being perceived as trusting by those important to them, or it is not planted and does not grow.

Establishing the roots for trust to exist and grow is ALWAYS the leader’s responsibility to do and be. There are no fooling people with false words and behavior. Subordinates may comply for many reasons, but to join in the trusting game, don’t bet on it.

How does a leader show and be trustworthy in the eyes, ears, and heart of another? By being PRESENT, LISTENING, and CONFIRMING. As I have taught, it is not a matter of agreeing or disagreeing, but of the other feeling UNDERSTOOD.

It sounds so easy but is not, and that is due to our radar system designed to protect us from being emotionally and physically harmed. It’s not an iron-clad defense, and most people easily suffer emotional and physical pain. Escape is difficult, like quitting a job, leaving friends, and having to find another job. So, some people enclose themselves in armor, and although they are assaulted and treated as a pawn or less, they remain stoic and do what they must. For too many people, this means being as invisible as possible.

I am a person—Treat me so I feel respect—I am not a “thing”.
Sy

Leadership #3

So, who knows us the best? That is, who are the people that witness us as we are to them in as complete a way as possible? It’s not ourselves, for sure, and we are not the witch asking our captive mirror, “who is the fairest one of all?” It is those we live with, our friends, perhaps, even our associates, and most certainly those we call our “Inner Circle” at work. They KNOW us.

If a leader, even a leader of leaders, we are on stage and bright lights highlight our flaws and strengths to these select few. Whether one or twelve that a leader considers their Inner Circle, they know their leader. Does a mate know their mate? Do children know their parents? Whether shared or not, we are all known by others close to us so much better than we know ourselves.

If this is true, as I’m convinced it is, how much better would our relationships be if we could be candid, vulnerable, and able to have dialogue with each other? Bear in mind that dialogue, when it takes place, creates a level playing field. There is no pyramid, no leader, no subordinate, and no child. Only people sharing thoughts and feelings. Is there a more powerful experience for people to have? All involved benefit. So, the leader who leads people is on stage even if their inner circle is only one. And like the King that believed he was dressed in elegant finery but was naked to the crowd, leaders are naked to their mates, children, and subordinates who are important to them.

It is said that nothing significant is easy. Relationships that foster honest growth are never easy, but most people can make it doable. It takes the leader I write of and have taught over many years. It demands that leaders be vulnerable, as witnessed by their key relationships. This becomes mutual and fulfilling.
Sy

Leadership #2

I feel I need to do a bit of explaining my comments on Military Academies and Universities that hold classes on Leadership. I wrote that “IF” they lecture on techniques and appearance or “acting” in specific ways, they are “blowing smoke.” In other words, they are wasting breath and time teaching things that do not make “good” leaders. “Good” leaders are not “acting” but “being.”. And this is pure volitional.

Study and experience, not wishful thinking, have given me the right to share my feelings and thoughts about leadership training programs. Leaders become “good” leaders because of their commitment to personal growth for themselves and those close to them, meaning family, friends, and the people they work with.

This process demands that any leader who commits to this journey must be moral, ethical, principled, and VULNERABLE—not a weakness in any sense, but the courage to be as open with their emotions and thoughts as possible. They set the example if this is what they want from those close to them. Genuine Dialogue, if it is ever to happen, is made possible by the leader’s behavior as seen, heard, and felt—and not by any other inducement.

I worked with leaders from almost every field and discipline, but before I took them as a client, I made sure that they would give me their power, not to lead but to teach—and they had to become one of the students at the table. In other words, they became one of the staff, and I related to them the same way as others. My approach: No lecture, but brief statements and comments and then asking them what they heard, understood and felt. If they chose not to comment, I thanked them and went on to the next person until one spoke out, which usually made others feel safe enough to jump in. In time, it was not me that would open a workshop but attendees who felt they needed to bring specific issues to the workshop.
Sy

Leadership #1

I’ve written umpteen papers on Leadership. Yet, I feel compelled to write more about one of the world’s great problems. One that is not dealt with in ways I will suggest in the following pages. Of course, all that I write is me expressing what I firmly believe, so agree or disagree; I’m fine, and you’re fine.

A revisit: I often write that when I first began to work with professionals and entrepreneurs (it was 1975), I was invited to help with staff problems. I was shocked to witness that the leader is absolutely the problem and not their personnel. I was shocked because I was “that” leader for the prior 27 years. In other words, I was totally blind to being any problem and problem creator. My staff, which at one time numbered 100, needed all the care and training I could give them. This, I did do.

I had no choice but to become a serious student of “LEADERSHIP,” which led me to “POWER.” Again, to repeat, I became the best student I have ever been. Philosophy, Psychology, History, Lots of Old & New Testament— In fact, I read and took notes from every possible source. I left nothing to chance or my own experiences. I needed to know what the great thinkers thought and wrote on the subjects. I do not have one, but I think I earned a Doctorate ten times over.

Now, what did I learn? I learned that a leader could become a “good leader” regardless of their past attributes, behavior, and life experiences. I learned that all the military academies and universities that teach leadership are blowing smoke if what they teach are methods and techniques, including how to look and say things differently.

I think I know where I’m going with this, but it may take a few more papers why I call this “1.”

When Old Friends Visit

It’s the best when we are with old friends and even new ones. Conversations range from today’s news to our first coming together, whether as family, childhood friends, campers, staff, and the many people I worked with developing better relationships with each other. It’s particularly fun when we share old stories, and we have lots of them!

So, as we age, all the above people help us live each day. Memories are the best when they bring back a very full past. Sour history is best left in the place where memories are stored. Revisiting the good times is much more fun for everyone when we come together.

What is surprising is our own memory bank and how we can recall and even picture those special times. It is a fact that relationships of our past (important ones) become today’s conversation. There is nothing like being face to face.
I bring this up because it is a” happening” where we are all “PRESENT” with each other. As I have often written, is there a better place to be than together and in the same “now?”

Be sure this is not about us alone but a joy shared by all humans. “People need people”—beginning with the birth process and continuing to our last moments. We would hope that this occurs with all humans, but of course, not all are blessed to have this experience. Our streets (everywhere) are filled with the ill, disturbed, lost, poor, and helpless people who do not, and maybe cannot, experience what it means to be “one with others.

We believe in the vital importance of the “good” family, friends, and even the people we meet today. Dialogue is a blessing.
People need people—Barbara sings this so well—It is a pure truth.

Genuine Communication is Never Easy

When speaking to those close to you as a parent, leader, teacher, friend, or acquaintance, does your voice and behavior show less than respect and regard for them? This is an important question to ask yourself because how you communicate and with what intent is heard and understood loud and clear by the other. People know and respond accordingly. Is this what any reasonably good leader wants? I think not. Yet, this is a common occurrence in hierarchical relationships. The one in power is responsible for the relationship that exists under their umbrella of influence. It is the way it is.

Forms of hierarchy exist in almost every relationship. It could be due to intelligence, strength, abilities, and/or age. It’s everywhere—in homes, school, and most certainly at work; in fact, where does it not exist? If this is true, the one at the top of the pyramid is also responsible for making every relationship they have with those below them work for all. The possible benefits that those in power have must be shared. If not (or perceived as not), then seeds of discontent manifested through behavior are assured.

So, I believe hierarchy is ubiquitous throughout the world because the feeling of being in power is perhaps the most potent aphrodisiac. This thought leads me to Immanual Kant (a philosopher of the 18^th century). He believed in democratic principles and an equal way of being with and leading people. He contended that “Freewill” exists for all, allowing some to choose a moral life and others an evil one.

Those that choose the “moral life” do care for those they may have power over and are “caregivers” that nurture rather than inhibit people “to be.” The “evil” person does not care but for themselves.

Freewill is our gift—Use it well for self and others—Be a “Caregiver.”

Recent Thoughts on Aging

Is it possible that men and women age differently? Are there significant differences between us that ought to be seriously researched? I specifically mean: Do females react differently than males to the problems of aging?

I have been a witness, in addition to being part of a population of people in their late 70s to 90s. For nearly the last 3 years, we have lived in a Senior Village. As I have written, this is not a “caregiving” environment but more like a resort setting. We have an apartment of 825 sq ft. A bit less than our first home back in the 50s. The facility offers a lounge bar, dining room, heated indoor saltwater pool, meeting and activity rooms, and a wide range of activities for residents to participate in. Incidentally, but not surprisingly, most residents are single women, mainly from the east coast. They moved to Reno because their adult children and grandchildren live and work here. Proximity to their caregivers and family becomes a necessity.

I have learned through conversation and observation that men appear to live more in the present and take each day as it comes. On the other hand, and this is admittedly pure speculation on my part, women are not happy losing their former selves. Giving up the past and who we have been is never easy for anyone that has lived a reasonably good life.

As a former “teacher, creator, student of power, problem solver,” I now write single-page papers to make up for activities and challenges that once flooded my existence. Now, I see each day as a gift that may or may not come again. And being with my Lenette is the most wonderful gift of all.

Aging is a fact—We need to accept this fact—Let be what we are. Sy