Month: March 2023

A dear friend, a successful administrator and former executive of a large corporation, asked, “why don’t you carry your message on dialogue to everyone?”

I asked for more information about what she meant. She was thinking of “everyone, everywhere.” So, the more I pressed her, the more I realized that she thought of each person as an island unto themselves and that my message should be directed to those islands.

I immediately thought of Anarchy, where each person is their own leader.  Impossible, in my opinion, because headless, we do not exist. A leader is essential, vital, and absolute to a group, including family, the teacher in school, the owner/boss at work, etc. Yet the issue is not that leadership must exist but that the leader must create the best possible environment for their followers to thrive and to be more of themselves.

Here is the rub. From the beginning of hunter groups to this day, most leaders are responsible for the environment they and their followers live in. Family is the foremost of those environments and likely the most important one to how we grow and mix with the world.  Still, I know through considerable experience that the growth of the individual into being more their own person and having their own voice is doable. This demands a leader who nurtures those they lead to be as much themselves as they are capable of. 

No one fools anyone for long. Even those seriously damaged by their history are capable of change and growth. These are not wishful or idle words. I’ve watched it happen during my considerable experience with children, staff, professionals, and entrepreneurs.

When individuals feel safe, heard, and understood, they open themselves up to change. When they are forced to be closed up by their earliest leaders, it’s not cast in concrete. Those who have learned negative behaviors can unlearn them. Change can and will happen if conditions and events promote it. 

 Sy

I write of these two because they are similar in many ways, and, incidentally, as of this writing, they both live in Florida near Miami.

One was a dentist, and the other a chiropractor. Both were committed to their profession and were excellent practitioners. I worked with the dentist in New York and the chiropractor in Miami to help their staffs function as family team members and to eliminate any semblance of a hierarchy in their offices. 

The dentist was and remains a student of life and what it demands of us. This was equally true of the chiropractor. Both were superb students and never resisted where I took them relative to relationships and dialogue. Neither ever knowingly misused their power and, in fact, fought abusive power when it entered their personal lives. Perhaps they did not see themselves this way, but they would not tolerate those who used power to benefit themselves. I was a witness to this.

Both fed me so well that I still smile when I think of the wonderful food they set before us. The dentist made sure we all had the best of New York’s Deli lunches. The chiropractor made reservations well in advance so we could dine on Rock Crab, a true delicacy in Miami, or huge corned beef sandwiches at Miami’s best delis. 

Working with them and so many others like them was uplifting. Although power in a leader’s hands is too often misused and woefully misunderstood, many (certainly all I worked with) wanted their power to benefit their family, staff, and clients. They employed me to teach them how to elevate them all to the level of being “givers,” not “takers and users.”

Sy

He was not just a chiropractor but a student, teacher, leader, and spokesperson for his profession. While I knew him, he never gave up the fight to have his profession recognized as a legitimate answer to the many medical problems people face everywhere.

We met when he invited me to speak to a group of chiropractors about staff issues. Once again, I discovered that the problem they had in their offices was the same one I found in other professional offices. Leadership, I discovered, is the problem in all relationships, particularly where there is an obvious head that holds power. Where does this not exist?

I have written endlessly about my ignorance of this fact. My being a leader for a quarter century did nothing to make me aware of my power and influence over others. It took working with professionals and entrepreneurs to see this. The man I speak of saw me as the one to assist his professional brethren in realizing this truth. He knew that employees with effective leadership could better meet the needs of their patients. This man was way ahead of his time.

I became a student and teacher of power, but he knew about this relationship defect before I met him. Working with him was a pleasure because he was passionate and believed so strongly in the worth and value of chiropractic. If he is still alive, he is still fighting to bring his profession to greater acceptance. 

I know what I know—I know the body, the fight—I will not back down

Sy

He was a professional and an entrepreneur. He sought the best of everything, from his practice to the seminars that he put together. I lectured for him in various venues, including a week-long trip down the Colorado River from top to bottom. His programs were classy; he brought in top speakers, fed great food, and never interfered with my or other speakers’ philosophy. His way was to do it big and to do it right. The professionals that enrolled in his many programs came for this.

His main hobby was flying a glider; of course, I was up for that experience each time we came together. He gave me the wheel every time, and we would fly with the uplifts and the downdrafts. I loved every second of flying and his coaching me. He enjoyed what he did and what he created for others. He was definitely his own man and, no question, his own voice.

I was the prime lecturer on our trip down the Colorado River, holding a session in the morning and another in the early evening. I love to teach, and with good participation from my professional students, it’s always fun and games to me, even if the subject we discuss is heavy, as it so often is.

This is an example I will always remember. I was lecturing to a mixed bag of professionals, discussing the leadership role and that manipulation by the leader of any sort ultimately does not work and that “Behavior Modification” is a wasted technique with people close to the leader. Two psychology professors jumped to their feet and challenged me. They obviously thought differently and said so. I did not back down and challenged their belief in the process.

This was typical of what this professional did for other professionals who desired to be the best. He was a powerful presence who, nevertheless, loved dialogue.

Sy