Category: On Aging

Thoughts about aging and associated items

Where I’m At

While I have no desire to speak for others about their experiences with aging, I can only tell you what I am undergoing.

I am 97, which means I am seriously old. Only a few reach this age, so allow me to share some of what life is like for me. Every night, I go to bed early, usually around 7 PM.  Due to macular degeneration, I can’t see, nor can I hear, likely a result of my being in the military, but otherwise, I am fine. 

Yet my mind is perfectly sound. I am amazed at my recall and ability to write poetry, haiku, and essays.  In particular, the essays regarding power and relationships.

After 97 years, I know how and why relationships and power can fail and how and why they can succeed. Both are at the root of the human psyche and the making of family. 

I also know that we have the capacity to grow and to change our behavior. I know this to be a reality, and the work I have done for almost 80 years is my proof. 

At the risk of repeating myself, allow me to restate the overarching problem as I see it.  If people seek agreement instead of discussion, the conversation is fated to fail. If agreement is necessary for either party, the entire point of dialogue is moot.

People must be able to share their feelings and be heard without demanding agreement; otherwise, authentic communication is impossible.  

The rule is simple. Agreement must be set aside to allow for honest dialogue. After all, what game does not have rules that must be followed? 

I Write Because I Must

I am writing because I must. It is what I do.

When I worked with children, that was what I did.

When I worked with professionals and entrepreneurs, I discovered power and its abuse as the major problem at work and at home.

In my study of power, I met leadership as its seat.

Only in the last few years did I understand the leader of leaders concept and that those within an Inner circle are not leaders without the leader of leaders.

It took years for me to realize and understand that the leader of leaders is destined to assume that role because they are driven to build organizations and communities.

Most people choose to become leaders of themselves, as leaders of leaders are rare because others are essential to them, and Society exists because of them.

–oo0oo–

I write because I feel I must.

That my writing contributes to my not turning to dust.

And there are times that I search for what to say.

The problem is wanting my writing to be me each day.

To make nothing up, to keep what I write my story and real.

I write what I know; I write what I feel.

Serendipity, I love the word and what it means.

And not a moment of my life is made of dreams.

Experiences galore I have had, and most have taught.

Not one, I would hope. Has gone for naught.

About My Project

Since Lenette entered my life, I’ve written many Poems on a variety of subjects over the last 70-plus years. I am not going to stop now. So, let me share what I have in mind. 

I will write poetry about the more meaningful phases of my life. Examples abound: Purple Sage, Camp Shasta, The Children’s Campus, Children Villages, The Youth Hotel, Lake Tahoe Tennis Club, and various research projects and papers on historic and innovative programs for youth.

This represents 27 years of work followed by 40 years as a teacher, student, and workshop leader. I know there are many stories I’ve already told, but I have a few more still to tell.  Using a poetic format, I look forward to the effort.

As of now, I envision the entire poetry book broken into sections: Lenette, work, and theory sections. As for the Lenette section, I may have written as many as a few hundred poems. So, I plan to ask the people who, for the last two years, helped her live and die to pick a poem from the past they would like to see in the book.

This process may take some time as there are many to read, but this is one way to honor my loving friends who have earned this. Without them, we were helpless. 

So, here I am, planning a creative project that may take a year or maybe more. Regardless, I operate day to day, and what will come will come.

The future offers me a platform where I will continue to be creative, loving to my friends, and always grateful to my Lenette. And when the present ends? So be it!

–oo0oo–

I write about people and how they live their lives.

I will write about how we make things better and how we thrive.

I will write about how to be your own voice.

I will write about how to make your own choice.

To be yourself in whatever you do.

To be yourself and always true.

The book will show each of us how to be our own person.

To be confident in what we do and to be certain.

More About My Visit With Lenette

I shared the story about Lenette’s visit and wrote of no voice.  I must clarify that her voice spoke to me, but it came from everywhere in my apartment. It was her, and I was awake.

Her message was clear, and I felt her love and concern. She wants me to be okay with her being gone. She wants me to be productive, to write, to keep my mind active, and to relate. I will listen to her. 

Is what I believe happened for real? I don’t know and may never know, but I felt it was, and I do feel better about her being gone and where I am at.

I know I must write, and I do this every day. I want to write about her, us, and the stuff we did together. We did many things and did not wait for more money or events to give us the freedom to travel, adventure, and explore; we simply went for it and grew from all of it.

Sometimes, serendipity ran our lives. There is no question that the spiritual events we experienced in Mexico influenced our lives. There is no explanation for many of the events that happened to us. Even the loss of a child in strange ways made Camp Shasta a reality and brought Jeff into our lives.

Then, a talk I gave to a group of professionals about their staff problems led to a 40-year journey of learning, teaching, and meeting many remarkable people. And, of course, more adventures for Lenette and me. What more is there?

–oo0oo–

What happened or did not to me?

Lenette came and spoke to set me free.

She told me she was fine and happy and that I need to be okay.

That I need to be like this each day.

I searched my room to find and see her.

She was not there, but I heard her for sure.

She was in every room at the same time.

She spoke, and I listened to every line.

I was awake, no sleeping for sure. 

To hear her speak was loving and pure.

Her being in my room was an amazing thing.I heard her, but did not see her, to this I cling.   

–oo0oo–

Time flies by, or it crawls so slowly we wonder why.

Time is not the problem it is what we do or try.

There are times when I write that words come and go.

When they are hard to find, I write slow.

I search for them, knowing what I want.

There are times when it’s the font.

I enjoy the fun I have with words.

It’s like looking at the sky and all the birds.

There are so many of every kind.

Birds and words both blow my mind.

What matters are the words I use to mean what I say.

If they do, this will make my day.

About Us

Writing about Lenette brings many emotions and memories; nevertheless, I wish to share a story about us. 

When I first saw Lenette, and before we even spoke, I felt a feeling I had never felt before. I felt that we were one.  Years later, when I did my workshops, people actually thought SyandLenette was who I was—one person, not two.

Two years ago, I wanted to die. I felt I was just hanging around, and this was a feeling I hated. 

I also had breathing problems and was on oxygen 24/7. I wanted to die, and Lenette and I talked about this. We rarely avoided talking about issues like this. So, we decided to see our GP and discuss this issue with her.

The GP literally jumped at me and said I had no right to make the decision of life and death because Lenette and I were one. She had never come across two people who were one to the degree she saw us as. 

That night, I saw Lenette needing me and realized I could not leave her but must be here… for her.

The following day, my need for oxygen disappeared, and all my feelings about dying were gone. I only felt that I could not leave Lenette. It was that clear. 

I’m sorry to say that Lenette suffered terribly over her last few months. I could do nothing for her except to die for her in hopes that my own death would spare her. Yet I could not.

What does one do when there is nothing they can do? That was my dilemma as I watched Lenette fight ghosts, beating the air with her fists. I was as helpless as she was.

Time and circumstances created this reality. Still, when the time came for Lenette to pass, I could not help her. I could not fight her battles, nor could I die for her. Now, I still live for her.  

People say I am better today, and maybe I am, but if I allow it, I still see her fighting. I should be fighting, not her.

The look on her face after she passed told me she was okay now. I wanted that so badly for her.

—oo0oo—

Lenette sent me a message when she passed.

In shock and a state of loss, I now know it was not her last.

That the look on her face was not an accident.

She was saying to me that she was content.

It was time for her to say goodbye and so she did.

And the look she had was full of love and nothing was hid.

A look I will cherish to my final day. How I love her? What more can I say. 

—oo0oo—

I miss Lenette today; nothing new. I miss her every day.

I miss her smile as well as the words she might say.

I am so grateful for the look she left me with.

Her leaving me was much too swift. 

And yet I know it was time for her to go. 

The pain she suffered was much too slow.

She fought to go, and she fought to stay. 

It was me why she lived each day.

I look forward to one day being with her. 

I know she is there, waiting for sure.

In time we will be together as we always were. One not two, still being me and her.  

 

The Dynamics Of The Inner Circle

Being an authentic role model is a critical issue for the leader of leaders, which is why so few are successful. Accepting oneelf as a role model requires a high state of consciousness and a realization of power and influence.

It means how one listens and responds so that people in the inner circle feel understood. Without these ingredients of genuine dialogue existing between those in the inner circle, the group cannot function as a true inner circle.

In a functional inner circle, where genuine dialogue occurs, the level playing field takes place organically. When this is the case, the leader of leaders may not be readily identifiable because, ideally, the inner circle positions leadership where it belongs—where the ability to do the job is. 

Here is where the leader of leaders shows their true metal, giving over their power to the one who steps up to take on the job. In this instance, the leader of leaders becomes another member of the inner circle to assist, not lead.

For some, power can be difficult or even impossible to give to another. So that even if power is granted conditionally, it is still a failure of leadership.

The leader of leaders may consider their position to be a permanent one. If they believe this or act in this manner, they are mistaken.

I have experienced this dynamic myself. Over time, changes are inevitable. As they and their inner circle age and mature, serendipity and events force changes. This has occurred in what was my inner circle. Roles have shifted. I remain my own leader,  but I will never again be the leader of leaders. Instead, former members of my inner circle have become my leaders.

This change in our behavior towards each other is telling. Perhaps it means that I was a good leader of leaders, and they give me back what I gave them. I hope this is true and that Lenette and I were good role models. She and I did what we did out of respect and regard because we were teachers, first, last, and always.

So now I experience those I led leading me.  All are my family, or at least I feel that way. Without a doubt, I am dependent on their eyes and ears for most activities, and I am grateful for being in their hands.

I have also discovered a powerful truth. Lenette was helped to die, and I am being helped to live. Thank you, my leaders of leaders.

Accepting Change

Today was special. I was treated to breakfast out by two dear friends. Afterward, we drove by our first home in Reno, where we moved in 1978. Reno has changed and grown, as has the locale where we used to live.  

Going back in time is interesting. Nothing remains the same. Our home has been rebuilt, trees have grown, and nothing besides the land appears unchanged. When you think about it, that’s life. Like all things that humans do, our lives continuously evolve, and there is no going back. Grasping and accepting that all things change is what we must do.

I must accept Lenette’s not being with me. I must accept the changes I witnessed that day and every day. I must accept that I am 97, and my time has grown short. Still, I remain grateful that my mind embraces creativity and my memory remains sharp. For how much longer, I cannot know. In that regard, I think my daily writing plays an important role. Working on poetry, my memoirs, and essays on leadership and dialogue are valuable exercises, as are my biking and stretching. 

So, living in the present is what I do. And I fill it with routine. Yesterday is a memory. Tomorrow is not yet mine. Death is not an issue for me. Whether it comes today or two years from now, it’s all the same, and I’m good with this.

–ooOoo—

Breakfast with friends—a wonderful way to begin the day.

The food was good but not equal to our time together and what we say.

We listen to each other—we enjoy the talk.

The food is incidental, never equal to even a walk.

Being together is what our breakfast is about.

It’s not the food we eat but that we are together there is no doubt.

That my friends give me time and this kind of thing.

Is an act of love, and to me, a song they sing.

I am blessed being with them for sure.

I miss Lenette, being alone, having breakfast with friends a temporary cure.

Looking Back

I am 97 years old and never expected this, nor that I would outlive Lenette. Life is full of mysteries. Knowing we were meant for each other was the first “happening.” There were so many others that when I shared our stories, I had to ask, “What control do we have over our lives?”

I use the word serendipity often. It may well be one of my favorite words. Why? Because I seriously believe that Lenette and I have lived serendipitous lives. Our meeting, for example. She had a job, one she liked. What possessed her to ask about a camp philosophy? And how do we account for a disciplined showhorse throwing Lenette into my arms?

There’s more. A massive typhoon in the Pacific Ocean teaches me that I do not fear death. Three Japanese prisoners showed me how to be a leader. The captain on Okinawa gave me an intelligence test that encouraged me to go to college. Purple Sage, its success and fame in LA.

But fate and events continued to dictate. Lenette and I becoming one, our loving GI home, the loss of a baby, and Jeff coming into our lives. Becoming lost in Northern California, then encountering a drunk who sent us to the man who sold us the Shasta property. A year of heavy rains which kept this lumberman from cutting down any trees at what became Camp Shasta.

Lenette’s dream of a Youth Hotel in Las Vegas becoming a reality. The Lake Tahoe misadventure and how addressing a group of dentists led to lectures and workshops nationwide. The quality people I was blessed to work with. Our spiritual experience in Mexico and our trips worldwide. Becoming an author and, best of all, spending 70 years with Lenette.

My explanation for these life-changing occurrences and events? Serendipity!

A Day In The Life

I try to make my day a routine. I Get up around 7:30 and have breakfast an hour later. Mark or Doug usually join me, so the day begins with friendship. I am not alone—an excellent beginning to the day.

When they leave to begin their day, Mia and I cuddle on our couch with a blanket over us and nap. I think about Lenette, which makes me smile or sometimes cry.

At 11: 30, I exercise for about 45 minutes. I have not missed a day. It’s not a muscle-building workout, but it makes me feel better. So, at least, I maintain or think I am.

From noon until about 5, I do my writing. Sometimes, I know what I want to write, and it flows out of me. In this case, I may produce two or three papers. At other times, I struggle to find words. I enjoy both the flow and the struggle.

Breakfast is my big meal of the day, so I usually pass on lunch. I enjoy dinner and dessert and almost always invite people to join me for fun and good dialogue. Our restaurant is okay. The food they serve is acceptable—good, but not great.

During the day, visitors are frequent, often four or more at one time. So, the conversation is stimulating. When they leave, I return to the computer. Writing is my outlet, so I’m fine.

My dear friends, Todd and Mark visit frequently and we spend great times together. Ron, who handles my finances, visits about once a month. He tells me that I’m okay for about five years. That’s a long time for me—a long time for anyone.

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